1. The Passive-Agressive Angsty Facebook Status-
You know the type, the one where someone wants to lash out at someone specific (usually of the opposite gender) while being just vague enough to make us all crazy with curiosity. Example: John Ashby hates this! Why do I have to feel this way? Why does she have make my day so great all the time? The funny thing with this type of status is that inevitably 6 or 7 suckers will comment on his status asking whats wrong or text him to figure out whats going on. Not because any of them care really, but because his status was so vague and full of deep emotional pain that there must be a good story there somewhere....or not.
2. The Awkward Profile Picture-
Ah the infamous profile picture. The one that isn't really supposed to mean anything, but we all know that secretly hundreds of people are judging us based solely on this one little image. Which makes me wonder why people do things like this:
Use a picture of a cute little animal- Yes, we all know that a tiny little frog is probably better looking than your face, but please. Unless you were bitten by a were-frog and that is an awesome shot of you during the full moon, restrain yourself.
Use an anime cartoon- For the last time, ANIME IS NOT REAL! Get over yourself.
Use a shot of them and a significant other kissing- You know how awkward it is to watch people make out in public? Well this is like the never-ending awkward makeout scene. Wow they're still kissing? Its been like 6 months now!
Use a picture of them as a baby- Lets be real here. All babies look the same. You were no cuter as a 1 year old than the bearded lady.
3. The Generic Profile Picture-
This one is closely related to The Awkward Profile Picture, but is so obnoxious that it gets a category all its own. How do you take a generic profile picture? .
Step One- If you're a girl put on a REEEEEALLY tight shirt, if you're a guy take off your shirt
Step Two- Head to the nearest bathroom
Step Three- Whip out your cell phone
Step Four- Make a "sexy" pose in front of the mirror and snap a photo with your phone
Newsflash! Its really hard for anyone to take you seriously when there's a toilet very obviously in the background. But on the upside, thats a really nice phone. Really.
4. The "I'm so popular" Status-
Example: John Ashby is going to Starbucks with Mary Sue Ellen, Peter Ross, Stephanie LaMount, Ti Ling Ju, Hitler, and Forest Gump. You don't need to inform all 1500 of your Facebook friends (many of which probably don't even know you) that you have a life. The very fact that you parade such a simple thing as going to Starbucks as such big news makes us suspicious. And slightly annoyed we weren't invited.
5. Farmville-
I'm pretty sure Farmville was a game invented by someone who needed to drive away all his friends. No! For the last time! I'm not going to give you a shovel goshdangit!
6. Combining Profiles-
So SandraandLuke Yergensen, who am I talking to exactly? Do I need to feel alarmed that you just posted something on my wall about plans to go shoe shopping? I mean really, how hard is it to make two profiles? I doubt when your husband married you, the foremost thought on his mind was "Yes!! I no longer need to look after my own Facebook profile!!" And if that was the case I highly doubt you will be SandraandLuke Yergensen for long anyway.
7. Relationship Blunders-
Relationships, relationships, relationships. Holy hannah there is so much I could say!
#1- The whole relationship status thing? Stupidest idea ever. While its nice to flaunt your significant other in the faces of all your friends, once the relationship is no more it just becomes awkward. Its like having a very messy, very public break up fight in a big room with everyone you've ever met, including your fourth grade teacher.
#2- If you went somewhere interesting together and took pictures, then by all means, post em. But if its just you and your significant other sitting on the couch making out, nobody wants to see that. I think deep down, even you don't want to see it. Watching yourself devour someone else's face is bound to either make you very hungry or deeply disturbed.
#3- The worst Facebook sin ever is placing your significant other's name in your info either under activities or worse, religion. I'm glad you have no life outside your lover. No really, I am.
Have a nice day!
