Today I decided to write him back, mostly for entertainment value. I liked what ended up being a really ridiculous story so I'm posting it below.
Dear Elder,
I am so very glad you decided to write me. You see, I too enjoy ripping off the plot lines of popular movies in order to make myself sound more interesting.
Why just last month I was shocked to receive a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry informing me that the recent spider bite I had sustained gave me, not only web-slinging and crime fighting abilities, but also a healthy dose of magical powers as well. As you can imagine, this posed a serious dilemma in my life. Do I continue my college education/undercover superhero activities in the muggle world, or should I take my talents to the magical community instead? The answer would end up being either, for the very next morning who should arrive at my door but a tall man with a flowing beard and cloak. At first I thought it might have been Dumbledore himself, come to persuade me to join his school. However, to my astonishment he simply thrust a small ring into my hand, muttering, "Keep it secret. Keep it safe," before vanishing into thin air.
The odd thing was that from the moment the ring touched my hand, a strange urge to visit Yellowstone began to press upon my mind. I wanted nothing more than to throw the ring down the gaping maw of Old Faithful. Road trip!!!
Unfortunately when I went to recruit my best friend Harry Osborn to my quest, I found, to my dismay, that he had been turned into a talking llama by some ancient-looking woman and her buff, if slow sidekick. So instead I left him in the capable hands of our mutual friend Pacha and went on my way.
The closer I got to Yellowstone, the more I could feel the forces of evil gathering around me. If it hadn't been for my new-found spidey senses, I never would have made it. I soon found myself standing over Old Faithful 5 minutes 43 seconds before it was supposed to go off. The giant eye on the tower they had recently blown all their government funding on seemed to stare down at me menacingly.
As I lifted my arm to hurl the ring into the boiling, steaming depths of the geyser, I became aware of a figure dressed in black carrying a glowing red sword-thing approaching to my left. "Wait," he commanded in a low rasping voice, "There is something you should know." Suddenly the air became clearer and sharper, as if the world was holding its breath. I knew that whatever this strange man had to say next would change my life. "I am," he began, "Your father's brother's cousin's uncle's former roommate."
"NOOOOOooooo!" I yelled and flung the ring into the depths of Old Faithful. For reasons that have yet to be explained to me, this caused the newly built, 9 million dollar eyeball tower to crumble into ruins, completely engulfing my father's brother's cousin's uncle's former roommate in rubble. I never saw him again.
After the crazy events of that day, I did a lot of soul searching, trying to decide what I wanted in life. Eventually I knew what I had to do. I hiked through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of swirly twirly gumdrops until I reached the home of the elves at the north pole. They've taken me in, and in return I help cut down on the crime rate. A win-win situation.
--Marie
Have a nice day!
